This is an excerpt from my journal written March 21, 1994

As I interceded today, the LORD showed me a vision of myself at age 15. I saw myself in an old dirty store across the street from my high school. I had skipped a few classes and was hanging out with friends from school. This was a popular place to skip classes. This particular day the dean of the school had come over to search for wayward students. I remember very clearly running into the girl’s restroom and crouching in the corner. I was discovered and taken back to school to face the consequences of my actions.

The LORD showed me that this was the root, or the beginning of my rebellion. I confessed the sin of rebellion and was forgiven. The next thing I remember seeing is the blood of Jesus covering me and washing me whiter than snow. I felt clean, and pure in heart. I saw myself walking out of that store with Jesus. I was changed. I was radiant.
Praise God for his deliverance and inner healing.

Psalm 51:7
Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me and I will be whiter than snow.

Jesus spoke these words to me:

I have washed you whiter than snow. You are clean before me. Now that this rebellion has been uprooted from your heart you will be able to serve me with an undivided heart. You can walk in purity and uprightness of heart, free from any manipulation. I desire more from you, more praise, worship, intercession, waiting in my presence,and a greater sense of who I am in your life. You have been set free from bondage, a spiritual bondage. Rejoice your chains have been broken off. You are free. You are lighter in heart. Rejoice before me with singing and with dance. You will be healed, as you are obedient to this word. Shout and rejoice you were a prisoner in the darkest of gloom, but my word and my blood have set you free.

I remember spending over an hour dancing, shouting, weeping and interceding after this visitation with the LORD. He is my Deliverer!

I have so much to be thankful for in my life. This is a piece of my life that was miraculously put back together by the grace of my LORD.

The one thing I remember about that day was the shame I felt. That is a terrible thing to live with. That was a period of about twenty years from high school to the time of this visitation. That is too long to live under the weight of shame. The enemy of my soul would have loved to see me stay in the bondage that I was under. He will do whatever it takes to thwart the plan that God has for his children. You see, as long as I am crippled emotionally, I cannot minister the grace and freedom to other people.

I was born again in 1981, thirteen years before this visitation. I was forgiven of all my sins that day in 1981, so why did I need more restoration?

I think sin fragments our soul. It wounds us deeply. I was forgiven yes, but not completely restored in my mind and emotions. The LORD is so faithful to do this work. I could have continued on the way I was, but not as effective.

Psalm 23:1-3
The LORD is my shepherd, I shall lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.

It is only the LORD who can do this internal restoration. I am not the same person I was thirty years ago, or even last year. The beauty of living in the kingdom of God is that He is always at work in my life.

The fruit of this is more passion to see the body of Christ completely whole.

Father,
I give myself over to your Lordship. I submit to you and what you want accomplished in my life. I acknowledge I have no answers for seemingly a list of problems. I trust you. I look to you. Purify my heart and my mind with the washing of the word. Let my thinking become clearer and right. I thank you for this time that has been set apart. (No work, school or duties) This is a blessed time. I praise you and honor you!

Psalm 42:5-8
Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him. For the help of His presence. O my God, my soul is in despair within me; therefore I remember You from the land of the Jordan, and the peaks of Hermon, from Mount Mizar. Deep calls to deep at the sound of the Your waterfalls; all Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me. The LORD will command His lovingkindness in the daytime; and his song will be with me in the night, a prayer to the God of my life.

My mind, will, and emotions have been disturbed. I have sought the peace of God, only to go away more confused in my mind. My thoughts have been like a whirlwind. I have not been able to settle them. I have cried out to the LORD. I have heard very little to bring comfort to my mind.
This began upon returning to the states from Amsterdam. I have called it a darkness of the soul.
Have you ever been there? Probably. If you have walked with the LORD for any length of time, you have probably experienced some of what I am describing.
So, what do we do, when we feel we are spiraling out of touch with the LORD?

Continue to seek Him
I know He hears the cries of his children.
Psalm 55:22
Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken

Continue to meditate on the word of God
It brings life and clarity to you mind, will and emotions
Hebrews 10:22
Let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.

Hebrews 4:12
The word of God is active and living and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

I Peter 5:10
After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.

Trust in God’s word and His power more than you trust you own feelings and experiences. Remember, your Rock is Christ, and it is the sea that ebbs and flows with the tides, not Him.
(Samuel Rutherford)

Good feelings come and go, but God is steadfast.
He is requiring you and I to walk by faith. That means when circumstances never change, we still believe and hope in the midst of them. I encouraged myself in the LORD today. As the psalmist wrote in the beautiful psalm 42, “my soul is in despair, therefore, I will remember you”

Remember what God has promised, what he will do, and the character of God. I don’t know if this is the end of my darkness of soul, but even if it isn’t I will yet praise Him!

Allow Christ to break it down and rebuild it

Isaiah 61:4
They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations.

This past weekend I was dramatically healed of what I believe was an autoimmune disease. I was never medically diagnosed, but I had all the symptoms. I had chronic pain, and stiffness in my upper extremities. I was beginning to experience limited mobility in my shoulders and arms. I was taking an anti-inflammatory drug, and a muscle relaxer to just sleep through the night. I would consistently awake around four in the morning with pain. The drugs would help, but they were terribly upsetting to my stomach. So, I would take a small dose and then wait a couple of days before taking another. I would have a span of several days that were not good.

This is all in the past, as I have not had any pain or stiffness for several days!!

Psalm 16:6
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places surely I have a delightful inheritance.
I was invited to a women’s encounter weekend at my church. It was amazing! I had time to soak in the LORD’s Presence. This brought so much life to me. There were several sessions that we could choose to sit in on. The one that made a huge impact on me was the one on generational curses being broken. I thought that I was completely healed emotionally. The LORD’s Presence has a beautiful way of gently bringing things buried to the surface. So, the Holy Spirit said to me “abandonment” I just heard that one word. I was reminded of a time and place in my childhood where I really felt abandoned. My small group leader was with me and I told her what I heard. She walked me through releasing and forgiving my family for falling short in my young life. I am not blaming my family. I love them dearly. None of us operate in perfect love. We fall short. The good news is I totally released them and love them. I am free!

The Scriptures for this blog entry are all from that class. The power of the word of God is so amazing that it totally delivered me from a chronic illness!! The day ended with my pastor praying over me and releasing the Father’s love for me. The lady that was leading the encounter weekend prayed over me also. It was interesting what the Holy Spirit showed her. She said that the enemy had an assignment against me and that it was broken. I believe that assignment came at a very early age and was intended to destroy me. The Father had a great plan and would not allow the enemy to have his way. I cannot put into words how much I love him.

As the teacher of that one class said to all of us:
Allow Christ to break it down and rebuild it.

Only the LORD can do this because He is our Creator. He made us and has witnessed our entire life from beginning in the womb till our present age. He has our past, our present and our future!

Raleigh was a bitter place

The year was 2004, and we had hoped to be living in Albuquerque by that time. We found ourselves living in Raleigh, NC.

In 2003 our lives were turned upside down. We had received many prophetic words that we would be moving to Albuquerque. We had applied for a transfer, and it looked like we had it. Then, a loophole prevented the transfer. It was so disappointing.

A few months later I was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. This time we did get the transfer, but not to Albuquerque. We moved to Raleigh, NC so that I could be treated at Duke University Hospital.

When you are expecting the LORD to do what He has spoken and it does not happen something happens inside your heart. You wonder in the quietness of your soul, “Did I really hear the voice of the LORD?” You may not even voice the question out loud, but its there. You begin to turn your ear away from the voice you know as the LORD’s because you don’t want to miss it again.

Exodus 15:22-25
Then Moses led Israel from the Red Sea and they went into the Desert of Shur. For three days they traveled in the desert without finding water. When they came to Marah, they could not drink its water because it was bitter. So the people grumbled against Moses saying, “What are we to drink?” Then Moses cried out to the LORD, and the LORD showed him a piece of wood. He threw it into the water, and the water became sweet.

An excerpt from my journal during this time:
My purposes are being played out in your life. Raleigh will ever be a picture of your humanness, of your inadequacies. Impurities come forth during the refining process. Don’t lose hope during this time of refining; pure gold is coming to you.

I said earlier that we had received many prophetic words about Albuquerque. They weren’t just concerning the geographical move. Several of them were about gold coming to us. I knew that this did not refer to prosperity coming to us, but a refining process.
I am certain that the LORD is very interested in perfecting our faith.

I will never forget the day in Raleigh that I relinquished my rights. I laid them down, and accepted what the LORD had dealt to me. I received much peace that day. I was healed of my doubts and bitterness. I released my desires for living in Albuquerque. Trusting that the Good Shepherd had led us to that place for a season.

Exodus 15:25-26
There the LORD made a decree and a law for them, and there he tested them. He said, “If you listen carefully to the voice of the LORD your God and do what is right in his eyes, if you pay attention to his commands and keep all his decrees, I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians, for I am the LORD who heals you.”
This is an interesting passage of scripture. I think we can glean much from this test the LORD himself put the Israelites through.

We trust the LORD as he leads our families. We at times are led in difficult paths, bitter paths. We do not give up, and we continue to trust that our loving Father is leading us. I think that piece of wood that Moses threw into Marah was representative of the cross. When Jesus enters our lives he definitely brings the water of life to us.

I Peter 2:24
He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.

I did partake of Living Water that day in Raleigh, as I surrendered my rights. I was not disappointed. I was healed completely from that potentially deadly cancer. I grew so much in my trust and faith in the LORD.

I am now living in Albuquerque.

But God remembered Noah

That’s what it says in Genesis 8:1.
Who would think that one little line of scripture could bring so much life to me? It did!
I was awakened the other morning to these words, “ Jan, I have loved you with an everlasting love.”

It was coming from the lover of my soul, my Beloved calling to me to come away with Him. He is altogether lovely, and my love is toward Him. My ear is attentive to his voice.

I had been talking to the LORD about my life. I have really been struggling to trust Him lately. It seems Nate and I are in a waiting time. There is no doubt that the LORD is orchestrating this time. It is still a very difficult place to be. I don’t want to be vague, so I will explain.

Over a year ago, we received a mandate that we would do foreign missions. We prayed and it was confirmed. We did our first trip to Amsterdam in September. We knew this was only the beginning, and received clearer direction for the future. We came back to New Mexico with plans to go out again in September of 2009. We plan on doing a DTS (Discipleship Training School) in Kona, Hawaii. We chose this YWAM base because of their emphasis on Asian outreach.

Since being back in the states, we have had a difficult time finding employment. Nate has been looking and nothing has come through for him as of yet. We are thinking we need to settle some financial matters before going in September. I know the LORD is aware of our plans because He gave them to us. So the morning that I awoke to the LORD calling me, I was eager to hear from Him.

I had also been meditating on Noah’s life. He had such a beautiful relationship with the LORD. He trusted him completely.

Genesis 6:9
Noah was a righteous man, blameless among the people of his time, and he walked with God.

Genesis 6:13-14
God said to Noah, “I am going to put an end to all people, for the earth is filled with violence because of them. I am surely going to destroy both them and the earth. So, make yourself an ark of cypress wood.

Genesis 6:22
Noah did everything just as God commanded him.

I love that passage of scripture. I began to think, have I done everything the LORD has commanded me to do in regards to leaving in September. It seems pretty cut and dry. The LORD gives the mandate and we obey it. Why do I go through so many pathways?
It certainly is a trust issue.
Do I trust that I have heard correctly?
Do I trust Him to open doors and settle things, so that we can do what he has asked us to do?

We can learn a lot from these passages of scripture. Noah was an amazing man of God. I was thinking about how long it took from the time Noah received the command from the LORD to build the ark and when the floodwaters actually began. I am not a Bible scholar, but I believe it was close to one hundred years. That is waiting and trusting that you really did hear from the LORD. We know that it really did flood and the waters destroyed all mankind. We also know that God preserved the lives of Noah and his family.

Genesis 8:1
But God remembered Noah.

This passage of scripture really spoke to me of God’s faithfulness. God is faithful to do what he promises you. It may seem that nothing in the natural is happening to further your life’s call or mission. God is at work. He will complete what He has begun in you. Our job is to rest in his faithfulness. We know the character of God, so we rest. Noah walked with God. He knew Him, and that is why Noah could obey him so beautifully.

The other night we had a friend over for dinner. We typically pray together after our meal. This night as he prayed for Nate and I, he said that he saw a dove with an olive branch in his mouth. He had no idea that I had been meditating on Noah’s life.

Genesis 8:10-11
He waited seven more days and again sent out the dove from the ark. When the dove returned to him in the evening, there in its beak was a freshly plucked olive leaf! Then Noah knew that the water had receded from the earth.
This is an excerpt from my journal:
“I have not forgotten you. Do not feel that way. This is being played out to My liking. Take this time to rest, being shut up in the Ark, till you send out the dove and it returns with an olive leaf in its mouth.”

God truly meets us where we are at in our faith. He is a good Father. Sometimes, I have faith to move mountains, and other times I am like a scared little child who needs the comfort of her Father.

He understands me completely. Sigh

So, I rest and wait.

God loves Israel. He will not forget His word to her.

Jeremiah 31:3-4
The LORD appeared to us in the past saying:
I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with loving-kindness.
I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt,
O Virgin Israel.
Again you will take up your tambourines and
Go out to dance with the joyful.

God is patiently waiting for Israel to acknowledge Him. He spoke through many prophets to his beloved Israel. Jeremiah spoke with such passion about the everlasting love of God. God wants Israel to turn to him wholeheartedly. It grieves the heart of God to see nations coming against her to do evil. There is coming a day, when Israel will be liberated. She will acknowledge the One who loves her. I would like to share from two prophets that had a vision of this day.

Nahum was sent by God to prophesy against Nineveh, which is present day Iraq.

Nahum spoke of the destruction of Nineveh.

Nahum 1:11
From you, O Nineveh, has one come forth who plots evil against the LORD and counsels wickedness.

Nahum 1:15
Look, there on the mountains, the feet of one who brings good news, who proclaims peace! Celebrate your festivals, O Judah, and fulfill your vows. No more will the wicked invade you; they will be completely destroyed.

Zephaniah was sent by God to prophesy against several nations: Philistia which is present day Gaza, Moab and Ammon which is present day Jordan, Cush which is present day Ethiopia, and Assyria which is present day Iraq.

Moab and Amnon who insulted my people and made threats against their land will become a wasteland forever.

Gaza will be abandoned, at the same time the cities Ashkelon left in ruins, Ashdod emptied, and Ekron uprooted (cities in Israel that border the Gaza strip).

Cush will be slain by the sword.

Assyria will be left utterly desolate and dry as the desert.

God observes and waits patiently to carry out his promises to Israel. His covenant with her will stand, because it is His word.

Jeremiah 31:33
This is the covenant I will make with the house of Israel. After that time, declares the LORD. “I will put my law in their minds and write it on their hearts. I will be their God and they will be my people.”

Zephaniah 3:14-17
Sing, O Daughter of Zion; shout aloud, O Israel! Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, O Daughter of Jerusalem! The LORD has taken away your punishment; he has turned back your enemy. The LORD the King of Israel, is with you; never again will you fear any harm. On that day they will say to Jerusalem, Do not fear, O Zion; do not let your hands hang limp. The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing.

You can see the heart of our Father toward Israel. He longs to show her his love. Israel again is in the heart of a battle. Nations continue to rise up against her. Let us stand with her during this time. Pray for her deliverance and please pray that we as a nation will not cease to support her.

Pray for the peace of Jerusalem!

I would like to share this link to a Hillsong video.







Our God is Mighty to Save!